In the first of our 'YouSeenThat.com Casts...' series of articles, we have decided to place our unique spin on film projects that we'd love to see happen. The first cab off the rank is one of our favourite multiplayer PC games, Valve's wacky Team Fortress 2. We'll even save you the hard work of making-up your own damn mind by giving the film a pre-emptive score on our very own YouSeenThat.Com Popcorn Rating.
Our Logic: The logical candidate for the Demoman would have been Samuel L. Jackson, but screw it, we're not into logic, and since we've already seen him sporting a kilt in the lacklustre British gangster caper The 51st State - we'll pass. Sadly our man Don Cheadle is too talented for a role like the Demoman, and let's be honest, we'd rather blow our brains out than watch another talentless rapper try to act on the big screen. So who do we choose? We figure that the next great African American actor on the list would have to be none other than Robert Downey Jr. Christ, RDJ was so hardcore in Tropic Thunder that we didn't even know it was our coke-snorting friend playing a dude, pretending to be a black dude, pretending to be Robert Downey Jr. Hats off to Iron Man!
Likelihood of Success: High... as a coke-fiend.
Our Logic: This was a real no-brainer. How could we go past our permastubbled action hero, Jason Statham? There's absolutely no contest in the looks department, it's just the Southern twang we have an issue with. If we use Statham's one and only real attempt at a proper Yank accent in The One as a guide, quite possibly the worse accent ever put to film, Statham is going to have big problems with sounding like our lovable Engineer. Maybe they could dub him over like a bad Godzilla film? Failing a rub-a-dub-dub, Statham could probably make up for it by spending the majority of the film sans a T-shirt... or maybe throw in a few sweep kicks for good measure.
Likelihood of Success: Very high... as long as his character is mute.
Our Logic: When we think of loudmouth fat guys, we immediately think of John Candy in the classic Planes, Trains & Automobiles. Sadly the big guy has passed on, along with our second candidate, Chris Farley, so we guess Jack Black wins by default. Default! Default! The greatest word in the English language. While we have little doubt that the big guy could do a pretty gnarly Russian accent, can this wannabe rocker do the vodka-swilling Reds proud? According to the 1950's propaganda that was drilled into us at school, we're still of the opinion that the only good Red, is a dead Red. Okay, we'll make an exception for the Bosnian-born Ivana Milicevic playing a Ruskie chick in Red Alert 3... in that case, the only good Red, is the one in our bed.
Likelihood of Success: Moderate. Bonus points if he can fit in a Kyle Gass cameo.
Our Logic: Jeffrey who? Sure, he's not exactly a household name, but you've probably seen at least one of his films and just didn't know it. Jeffrey Combs is the guy who can thank H.P. Lovecraft and Stuart Gordon for keeping food on his table and a roof securely over his head. If you still don't know who we are talking about, chances are you haven't seen the 1985 cult classic, Re-Animator? The Medic is a deadringer for an older Herbert West... minus a German disposition.
Likelihood of Success: Moderate to high. May fail spectacularly without Stuart Gordon directing.
Our Logic: As we suit-up in our flame-retardant durps in anticipation of a torrent of lawsuits from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLADD), let's explain our rather 'out there' choice for the Pyro. There's always been a lot of debate about whether the Pyro is male of female, ironically, we also suspect the same debate still rages about Rosie O'Donnell. Is that actually irony? Whatever. Whenever we spot a Pyro charging at us in their tight asbestos suit, flamethrower spitting out hot flames like an East Coast rapper spitting lyrics, it is a sight that can induce Brown Underpants Syndrome (BUS) in even the bravest of men. The same sort of reaction we have whenever Rosie O'Donnell is within a ten-thousand kilometre radius.
Likelihood of Success: High... as long as they muffle her annoying voice.
Our Logic: We wracked our tiny little brains for hours in an attempt to come up with a solitary person on this planet *more* annoying than that pretty boy Shia LaBeouf... Zac Efron came close - Shia even ranked above the douchebag who made that YouTube remix of Cookie Monster singing Chocolate Rain. A tough call indeed. Apparently LaBeouf is being touted as the new Tom Hanks - we still can't decide whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, because we hate the old Tom Hanks just as much as the new one. We'd almost go as far as blaming this jerk for single-handedly ruining Indiana Jones 4, however the space aliens controlling our thoughts might have something to say about that.
Likelihood of Success: Very high, the perfect smartmouth jerk.
Our Logic: When we think of quintessential ocker Aussies, we instantly think of Jack Thompson and Bryan Brown. When we think of Aussie gods, we think of Bryan Bryan's slightly camp doppelganger, Vernon Wells. That's right, bitch - Bennett from Arnold Schwarzenegger's 1985 seminal masterpiece, Commando. With YouSeenThat.com leading the charge to have Vernon cast in every single film this coming Summer, we'd buy a ticket based purely on the thought of Vernon Wells in a chainmail vest, delivering memorable lines like "Heavy, stick your head out, one shot, right between the eyes, I'll make it quick, just for old time sake". Given that Vernon is getting a little long in the tooth these days, Robert Downey Jr. may just get the final nod to play yet another Aussie character, this time in Team Fortress 2: The Film. Just think Kirk Lazarus (Tropic Thunder) meets Wayne Gale (Downey's Aussie reporter in Natural Born Killers).
Likelihood of Success: Legendary.
Our Logic: The Soldier was a tough choice - he's pivotal to the success or failure of a Team Fortress 2 film. Normally a studio would give this role to a classic Hollywood tough man like Lee Marvin, John Wayne or Jack Palance... the sort of square-jawed son-of-a-bitch you wouldn't dare mess with in a bar fight. Sigh. Unfortunately none of these Hollywood tough men were tough enough to throw-down with the Grim Reaper and survive to make a film about it. So in order to compliment the slightly camp awesomeness of Venon Wells, our thoughts went straight to the square-jawed king of B-grade gold, the one and only, Bruce Campbell. Time to ditch that Burn Notice loser and hit the gym big boy, it's time to get off the television, get into shape, and get back onto the big screen! And do an Evil Dead 4 while you're at it, champ.
Likelihood of Success: Legendary, in a B-grade way.
Our Logic: Okay, we'll admit it - the only French actor we can name is Gérard Depardieu... and quite frankly, his nose is far too large to let him go undetected as a Spy. Even a poo-for-brains Heavy could spot Depardieu's sniffer enter the room at least a good five minutes before the rest of his balaclava-clad cranium. So how did we arrive at the dorky Wayne's World sidekick, Garth? Sympathy... pity... or as we like to refer to it around here - 'the only way YouSeenThat.com staff get laid'. After we had the misfortune of fast forwarding through that 2002 career-killer known as The Master of Disguise, we felt kind of sad for Dana Carvey. The sort of sadness you feel when you watch a male dog with only three legs try to cock one and take a leak on Shia LaBeouf's car tyre. Let's throw this kid a frickin' bone... we want to see if Dana can get his career back on track with a film that has all the makings of a cult classic. Party on!
Likelihood of Success: Epic failure.
Our Logic: What can we say? Robin Williams is randomness personified... and that's why we love him.
Likelihood of Success: Guaranteed.
While the cast is diverse and eclectic, the plot (or lack thereof) will be the only real downfall for any future Team Fortress 2 film.
