YouSeenThat.com: Film Review
Avatar
by Jamie - December 26th 2009
“I'm Blue, Da Ba Dee Da Ba Di”
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Yes loyal readers, it’s been a while, but the crew at YouSeenThat.com are back, rocking the Kasbah, and quoting the lyrical genius of those Eurofags from Eiffel 65. It’s been a year since our last review, but what better way to get back into the groove of our big-swinging-dick ways than to review the “MOST EXPENSIVE FILM EVER MADE!!!!!one!11Eleven!”. That’s right folks - we've finally decided to put our 365 day ‘Goodfellas’ marathon on hold temporarily to venture out from our fucktard-resistant fortress, all in the name of mixing it with the great unwashed. Someone has to cut through the hype and bullshit surrounding James Cameron’s latest film, ‘Avatar’, so it may as well be someone you can trust... to be highly cynical.
That's how we roll.
Okay, so unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few months, or you're one of those depressingly healthy individuals who doesn’t frequent a particular fast food chain (we won’t name the chain since the pricks won’t give us any freebies), then you've probably heard something about Avatar. Avatar is the “MOST EXPENSIVE FILM EVER MADE!!!!!one!11Eleven!”. From a modern perspective, an ‘avatar’ is a virtual representation of a person in an online environment – just ask any of those dipshits that play World of Warcraft. James Cameron’s ‘Avatar’ takes that concept one step further. Set in the near future, Avatar’s main character, Jake Sully, is a paraplegic war veteran who is brought to the planet of Pandora, which is inhabited by a humanoid race called the Na'vi. Using technology to project his consciousness into the body of a genetically-created Na’vi warrior, his mission is to gain the trust of the populous, and in turn try to get them to relocate from the mineral-rich fields surrounding their home site. If he can’t get them to move, well, you can guess what the Yanks want to do with the Na’vi.
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Avatar is Cameron’s first feature film in nearly a decade, and from all accounts it was a film that he’s been trying to get off the ground for as nearly as long. However it’s only been until recently that Cameron was confident enough that the technology had evolved sufficiently to portray his grand ideas on screen. Back a decade ago, Avatar was costed at over $400 million, which in any language is absolutely insane money. Now, Avatar comes in at a slightly more modest $280 million - still being the most expensive modern film made, but backable.
So where’s all that money gone? It went into special effects and computer imagery. First and foremost, Avatar was clearly intended to be a visual extravaganza - the likes of which we’ve never seen before. Consisting of 40% live action and 60% photo-realistic CGI, James Cameron has really strived to bring us something unique. Pandora, the world in which the film is set, is absolutely breathtaking, both in its aesthetics, flora and fauna, and the incredible attention to detail that has gone into the world inhabited by the Na’vi. We’re a tough crowd to wow, but... fucking wow! The combination of live action and photo-realistic CGI was absolutely stunning. However as far as the actual CGI Na’vi characters, well, good, but nothing to really write home about. Creating realistic humanoid characters using motion capture and animation isn’t easy, and against the amazing backdrop of Pandora, the Na’vi characters did appear to be a little clunky and artificial – most noticeable in an early scene where some Na’vi avatars are playing basketball. As far as technology goes, Hollywood still has a little way to go in that regard, but they are definitely getting closer. Maybe they can do it; they just don’t want to put actors out of a job?
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Speaking of acting – there’s not a whole lot to write home about. Sam Worthington is about as convincing as a cardboard box – why isn’t this guy the new Mad Max! Probably the most entertaining presence on the screen was from veteran stage actor Stephen Lang, as the hardcase Marine Colonel Quaritch. Come to think of it, Michelle Rodriguez should probably also get an honourable mention for having the best set of non-CGI’ed tits in the film. Yes, we here at YouSeenThat.com take the objectification of women in Hollywood very seriously. Very seriously indeed.
Okay, so unless you skipped the preceding paragraphs in which we were banging on about how incredible Avatar looks, or possibly slipped-off to pull the pud mid-review at the thought of another jizz-tastic James Cameron film, let’s reiterate - the visual aspect of Avatar is absolutely amazing, even cynical bastards like us can’t deny that. Sure, this is the most expensive film made to date, and it boggles the mind when you think about what filmmakers might be able to achieve in the next decade with emerging technology, but despite the entomology of films title, Avatar isn’t a computer game. Unless you’re slightly touched in the head, or possibly one of these Gen Y fuckwits who feels the need to pull out their mobile phone and text nonsense like ‘OMGWTFBBQHAX!’ to the moron next to them every five minutes, no one in their right mind is going to sit through 162 minutes of pretty pictures without some semblance of story. Yeah Mr Cameron, remember now? We know you’ve been dicking around with your little underwater documentaries for the last ten-odd years, but nothing has changed with the conventions of film - story is still king. Now credit where credit is due, James Cameron is without doubt one of the greatest living film directors, with an attention for detail and a visual flair that surpasses most, but the guy just isn’t strong enough as a writer to carry a vehicle like Avatar by himself. Drop the ego and get some help writing, pal. Shit, if we were a studio and we were going to drop $280 million bucks on a film about a paraplegic marine fapping around in the body of a giant blue monkey-thing, we’d probably demand a plot that was a little more original than a CGI rehash of Pocahontas.
There, we friggin’ said it. It’s Pocahontas with blue people!
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Pocahontas. Dances With Wolves. Whatever, same difference. We don’t know why Cameron decided to go solo on the writing of Avatar, but it seems to have been a pretty big mistake. So here’s the plot: big, bad colonial type guy runs into the locals, develops a bad case of jungle fever and falls in love with one of the local indigenous women, then blah, blah, blah some shit happens and he subsequently turns his back on his race to protect his new... bleh, makes us want to vomit in our mouths. Let’s face it, the story is little more than a paint-by-numbers retelling of some old midday Western that we’ve all seen a hundred times before, and even that was probably fleshed-out a hell of a lot better than Avatar. Come on James, you know you could have done better! It’s the evil white man versus the natives, or the evil natives versus the white man – take your pick depending on your political leanings. Pandora may as well have been The Alamo. The military... cowboys. The Na'vi... Navaho Indians. That bad arse Colonel Quaritch... the venerable Jack Palance. Shit, we almost expected John Wayne to come staggering out of the burning undergrowth and give us a big “howdy partner”. Aside from some great attention to detail from Cameron, and ideas like the physical bond of the Na'vi with nature and the creatures around them, there’s not a lot to go on for your veteran film goer. Without giving a whole lot away, by the time the films inevitable conclusion rolled around, we were pretty much cheering for every single one of these overgrown Smurfs to get ventilated with high-calibre firearms.
Maybe we grew-up watching too many Westerns?
Overall, Avatar is pretty solid; just don’t buy into all the hype. Visually the film is a feast for the senses, and some of the attention to detail and thought that has gone into the world of Pandora, especially in terms of the flora and fauna that inhabits the world, is nothing short of amazing. We can’t stress that enough. Avatar is by far one of the most impressive-looking films thus far, if not the most impressive. Sadly for all the great work that went into making Avatar look the goods, it lacked a lot from a story perspective. Sure, your casual popcorn-guzzling fiend will probably walk out of their screening with glazed eyes and a massive erection, but for those with more discerning tastes, these pretzels are making you thirsty.
The A.D.D. Version:
Avatar is like your supermodel girlfriend - absolutely stunning to look at, but when you actually get past the visuals, there's not a lot of depth there. Should satisfy the average movie-goer... like your girlfriend.
Random Observations:
See This Film If You Like:
The YouSeenThat.Com Popcorn Rating:
Visuals - drool. Story - meh.
How does the YouSeenThat.Com Popcorn Rating work?
Well, it works on the theory that the more you enjoy a film, the less likely you are to be aimlessly shoving salty corn kernels into your gob, and a little more focused on what is happening in front of you on the big screen. Therefore, the more popcorn in our scorers bucket, the better the film. Pretty simple, huh?. Think of it as an inverse scoring system.