YouSeenThat.com: Film Review
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
by Jamie - May 25th 2008
“There were Capoeira zombies!”
 |
I’ve always had an established theory about long-running film franchises – when you have run out of ideas, go and set the next bastard in deep space. Friday the 13th did it. Leprechaun did it. Hell, even James Bond did it. Yep, that’s right folks, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull almost boldly goes where no fedora-wearing archaeologist has gone before. I say almost. Sure, it’s not technically set in space, but some of the concepts are so far out there in the inky blackness of infinity that screenwriter David Koepp (Carlito’s Way, Panic Room, War of the Worlds) probably should have stopped to put down that doobie mid story-arc. Come on, you can't tell me that old Dave (with the assistance of George Lucas) wasn't higher than Snoop Dog when he belted out drafts of this crap on his word processor? That would have been my excuse.
How the hell could you go from Carlito’s Way to this?
The need to eat - that’s the only motivation that springs to this reviewers mind at one-thirty on a Monday morning.
However, I digress. To save on potential spoilers (assuming you haven’t seen the film by now), let me assure you humble reader, that there will be no further mention the dreaded S-word. Yes, ‘space’ for those intellectually-challenged people playing along at home. Okay, I may pepper this review with a few other choice words beginning with the letter ‘s’, however, ‘space’ certainly won’t be one of them.
 |
Confession time. Let me say straight off the bat that I’m not a huge Indiana Jones fan. I’m not a player hater by any means, just not a guy who owns it on DVD or watches it religiously. Honestly, I have nothing against the franchise, and overall Indy is (or was) undoubtedly the benchmark against which all modern treasure-hunting action/adventure films in the mid-eighties and beyond will be judged. With the exception of lesser franchises like The Mummy, the highly-overrated Pirates of the Caribbean, and the lack-lustre National Treasure, it’s really been slim pickings from Hollywood in the last twenty years – aside from Pirates, nothing else has even come close to challenging Indiana Jones as king of the action/adventure genre. With that declaration out of the way, you’re probably wondering what this mouthy git thought of the film. That’s why you are still reading, right?
Twenty-odd years after the last instalment of the franchise, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, we pick up the story of the titular Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones (Harrison Ford) toward the end of the nineteen-fifties, 1957 or there about. The long story short is that our whip-crackin’ adventurer becomes entangled with a Soviet agent (Cate Blanchett) intent on unravelling the mystery behind a series of unusual artefacts known as the Crystal Skulls. Even more proof that hot Commie chicks are into world domination and all that jazz, like we needed additional proof - single guys take note, there’s going to be a quiz at the end of this review.
Unless you have been living under a rock for the better part of the last two decades, you would have seen at least one or two Indy films. Hell, let me guess, you’ve probably seen them all and I’m simply preaching to the converted? So I can only assume that the most pressing question from the fan base would be – is this the Indiana Jones we (you) know and love? Hand on heart, I can confirm that this is most definitely an Indiana Jones film through and through. All the camp elements you’ve come to know and love are there in spades: car chases involving vehicles driving really close alongside one another next to a cliff edge, piss-poor fist fights, swinging like Tarzan from Indy’s signature bullwhip, bullets that strike everything but the good guys, the hat, ingenious traps devised by long-extinct cultures, snakes, a female love interest, stereotypical bad guys from behind the Iron Curtain, that travel map plotting Indy's travels from one continent to the next, and yes, that famous theme song. Da da da DA! Da da da! Everything that is Indiana Jones in a nutshell – cross them off your list as you watch the film.
Now listen up kids, this is the part where I really have an axe to grind. You take all the stock standard elements of a typical Indy film, the sort of gear that fans eat-up with the proverbial spoon, and then Lucas and company go and ladle in a giant portion of freeze-dried shit. Okay, I’m just going to come out with it, there’s no escaping this fact - there is a giant dob of freeze-dried shit floating throughout Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in the form of a fifties sci-fi throwback. I won’t spoil it entirely, but don’t say that I didn’t warn you. Fifties sci-fi has its place, don't get me wrong - just not in Indiana Jones, as far as I'm concerned. I've heard some strong arguments from fans that this sci-fi theme fits in with the Indiana Jones universe, and it's not really that bizarre compared to some of the more out-there elements from previous films, i.e. some priest dude ripping out a beating heart. Yes, proof that the way to a mans heart is indeed through his ribcage - single girls take note, there’s going to be a quiz at the end of this review, along with my personal phone number. Judging from the mixed audience and critic reaction, I suspect you are either going to love the sci-fi theme, or more likely, I suspect you are going to hate it with a passion and simply accept nothing less than satisfaction. Satisfaction in the form of executing everyone involved in stealing your hard-earned with Terminator-like prejudice. Love it or hate it, there is no real middle ground to be found.
The cinematography and direction were all decent, but then again, cinema-goers wouldn’t expect anything less than decent with a budget of $125 million, including veteran director Steven Spielberg at the helm. $125 million clams is at the higher-end of the scale as far as movie budgets go, but nothing completely obscene (I'm looking at you Waterworld) – either way, it’s still more than this white-collar schnook would earn in a million lifetimes. If you broke down those production costs, you really have to start to wonder how much they did (or didn’t) spend on the CGI. I've got to admit that the CGI is very noticeable in parts, but sadly everything is so heavily-reliant on CGI these days that it’s almost impossible to put Pandora back in the box. It’s safe to say that lot of memorable scenes from the original Indiana Jones films were shot on, or at least near location, something that appears to be lacking with the latest instalment. First and foremost, Indy films are meant to be fun, followed closely by the sense of immersion in the rich and vibrant world created by the director. At points in the film, any real sense of immersion in Indy’s world simply gets flushed down the toilet quicker than bags of coke at a Robert Downey Jnr. house party. The film smacks of plastic CGI, the sort of gear that makes a scene look about as authentic as the NASA moon landing. When I was a young lad, studios used to film scenes in places called ‘the real world’, like jungles, rainforests, and even, wait for it, city streets… with real live people and all that – definitely a story to tell my grandkids, undoubtedly they would shit a brick in disbelief. Hmm. As I disengaging Cynical-Bastard Mode (CBM) for a moment, CGI aside, the overall look and feel of the film was more or less on par with the previous instalments. That sort of pulpy comic book style we have become accustomed to… err, sorry, ‘graphic novel’ style for the nerds amongst us. No doubt this 'Indy look' was something that George Lucas and director Steven Spielberg aimed to continue with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – cinematographer Janusz Kaminski taking the reins from the now retired Douglas Slocombe.
The acting? My only major nitpick with the acting/casting was with John Hurt. Really? Why in god’s name would you cast a brilliant actor like John Hurt to play a babbling idiot with nil-to-minimal dialogue, nil-to-minimal screen time, and nil-to-minimal memorable scenes? Come on Spielberg, you could have hired any number of no-talent bums to just phone-it-in for a tenth of the price. I've always suspected that's how Keanu Reeves makes a living? Why waste a talent like Hurt? Why would Hurt even take the role?
The need to eat – again, that’s the only motivation that springs to mind at (now) two-thirty on a Monday morning.
 |
Overall, and this is the bit where I sum up the experience, you’d be right on the money if you thought that I was about to wrap poor old Indy around the chops with an over-exaggerated right hook. Maybe for good measure I might even throw in a few quick kicks to the solar plexus with my newfound Capoeira zombie skills, courtesy of the graveyard fight straight from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Yeah, Capoeira zombies - massive what-the-fuck points right there, Mr Spielberg. The last time I laughed so hard at a Capoeira zombie was Dustin Hoffman in Meet The Fockers. Now that Focker could dance-fight like a pro. However, I digress. All the elements from the old Indiana Jones films are definitely there, in quantities large enough to give those with fond memories of the fedora-wearing adventurer at least half a proverbial bar. If you’re a diehard Indiana Jones fan, go and see it - don’t let a cynical prick like me put you off. Hell, you even get a Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen) cameo for good measure - tell me you didn’t go the stroke to Karen Allen at least once after watching Raiders. Okay, neither did I. The problem is when you take the stock standard Indy formulae and toss in that freeze-dried shit, ala sci-fi, you’ve probably already lost half of your diehard Indiana Jones fans in the first ten minutes. If you didn’t lose them in the first ten minutes, usually with a lot of coughs that sound like someone muttering the word ‘bullshit’ into a clenched fist, chances are those last ten chuckle-worthy minutes are going to finish them off like a Mortal Kombat fatality.
The whole sorry saga that is the fall of the Indiana Jones franchise reminds me of your long-suffering wife. She was a real looker back in the day, feisty, a demon in the sack, but over the last twenty years she’s started to age a little, still feisty and great in the sack – but then *it* happens. In the midst of a passionate bed spring symphony, randomly, she goes and does the unthinkable… she shoves her thumb in your arsehole. ‘Woah’, as Keanu would say. Either you like your arsehole being digitally penetrated, or you don’t. Or maybe you could learn to like it. Maybe? I’m up for anything, and anyway, she’s still your wife, not mine – win/win.
The A.D.D. Version:
A technically competent sequel chocked-to-the-brim with all the stock standard devices to keep your average Indiana Jones fan happy... with that said, the plot won't be for everyone. I want to believe. Honestly, I do.
Random Observations:
See This Film If You Like:
The YouSeenThat.Com Popcorn Rating:
Sorry Indy, I think it's time to give away the bullwhip. Just don't give it to that tosspot Shia LaBeouf... please.
How does the YouSeenThat.Com Popcorn Rating work?
Well, it works on the theory that the more you enjoy a film, the less likely you are to be aimlessly shoving salty corn kernels into your gob, and a little more focused on what is happening in front of you on the big screen. Therefore, the more popcorn in our scorers bucket, the better the film. Pretty simple, huh?. Think of it as an inverse scoring system.