YouSeenThat.com: Film Review
Paranormal Activity
by Jamie - December 30th 2009
“Paranormal Bowel Activity... NOT!”
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Urg. This review is going to be relatively short and sweet. Let’s face it, we hate reviewing horror films here at YouSeenThat.com, and in the case of Paranormal Activity, we use the term ‘horror’ very loosely. We almost hate reviewing these sorts of films as much as we hate reviewing ‘comedies’. Do you know why? Well we’ll tell you. Horror, much like comedy, is a very subjective thing. Everyone has their own interpretation of what is funny, or scary to them. Case in point - people think Will Farrell is the idiot savant of comedy... frankly, we just think the guy is a fucking idiot. Who is to say which camp is right or wrong? Sure, we're clearly right, but that’s not exactly the point we're trying to make here. We can’t tell you if you’re going to be scared by Paranormal Activity, all we can tell you is if it scared us. Sadly, that’s easier said than done. The problem is that all the guys here at YouSeenThat.com are big-swinging-dick macho men with no fear, and quite possibly the funniest pricks to have ever walked the Earth. It’s impossible to scare us, and it’s equally as impossible to make us laugh. Sure, we know it’s a gormless existence, but the fact that we get a lot of tail sure makes up for it. So here we go, our take on Paranormal Activity... just don’t complain to us if we miss the mark completely – like when we take a piss at your place with the toilet seat down.
There’s not a whole lot you need to know about the plot - it’s nice and simple for the equally simple blonde cum-receptacles in the back row playing footsies with their boyfriends. In a nutshell, Paranormal Activity centres on a young couple who have recently moved into a new suburban house, only to find out that their sleep is being interrupted by some sort of demonic presence. Rather than bailing from the house the first chance they had, like any sane individual, the couple decide to try and capture the events on film. From that point on, scary shit allegedly happens.
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'Allegedly', like on the news when they arrest a kiddie-fiddler and they don't want to get sued. 'Allegedly' scary shit happens in this film. Think Blair Witch meets Slimer from Ghostbusters.
Unless you’re a teenage girl, a woman, or one of those mincing metrosexual males who love to wear skin-tight pink t-shirts, then chances are Paranormal Activity won’t hold any scares for you. Chances are you’ll probably fall asleep. Chances are you’ll probably be awoken mid-film by your softcock girlfriend reefing on your shoulder to tell you how scary this pile of dog shit is, to which you should simply respond with a nonchalant “meh”, and then blissfully go back to your dream about double-teaming Scarlett Johansson and Roseanne Barr with a feather duster. Yum. Okay, so here come the SPOILERS! Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Jump to the next paragraph if you really care – JUST DON’T KEEP READING. Okay, so here’s the film in a nutshell - every night when Katie and Micah (what sort of faggy name is Micah anyway?) go to sleep, something really lame gets caught on the camera they setup in their bedroom: the door opening or closing, a presence breathing on them, or playing in their attic, or doing the soft shoe shuffle through some strategically placed talcum powder on the floor, or deciding to be a dick and making loud noises in their living room, and the lamest thing of all caught on tape, a severe lack of hardcore amateur sex. The film is more or less just 80-odd minutes of the viewer watching this couple react to the lame shit recorded via their handheld video camera, ala Blair Witch or The Last Broadcast. Granted there is one pretty cool scene toward the end of the film involving the demon and the big-boobed Katie, which we won’t spoil, but it barely makes up for how boring the rest of Paranormal Activity is.
Come to think of it, maybe the demon just wanted to play with Katie’s luscious rack. We know we did.
Speaking of Katie (Katie Featherston), and if we must, Micah (Micah Sloat), these two guys do a pretty good job of holding the film together. Relative newcomers to acting, who apparently applied for the role via an ad in Craigslist, the pair have a great onscreen chemistry. If it wasn't for that chemistry and a bit of natural acting talent, Paranormal Activity would have been well and truly dead in the water. It's hard to buy into the drama if the actors aren't selling it - regardless of how lame that drama may be.
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Okay, so we get the whole idea about how the film is supposed to be realistic and based on ‘real’ paranormal activity, rather than relying on the traditional blood and gore of modern horror/suspense films. We get it, honestly. The problem is that as a piece of entertainment, Paranormal Activity really didn’t do anything for us. We were bored senseless. It was an hour and a half sitting in the dark, watching a film about sitting in the dark watching a film. A door slamming and a few bumps in the night does not equate to scares. We really couldn’t give a flying fuck what happened to the two crazy lovebirds by the end, as long as Katie’s huge boobs stayed nice and safe from the evil demon. If there was any threat of harm to the twins, and we were that ponce Micah, would have called Ghostbusters straight in on that shit!
The actual story behind the making and marketing of Paranormal Activity is infinitely more interesting than the film itself, and to be honest, a ‘making of’ documentary would have served as a great primer for aspiring filmmakers. Written and directed by Oren Peli, and filmed over the course of ten days in his own home for the measly sum of $15000, it’s really impressive to see this film come out of relative obscurity and become the most profitable film in Hollywood history – raking-in something like $150 million. Bravo. For what started out as a small festival film, the hype and marketing machine behind this film really went into overdrive, pushing Paranormal Activity to the big leagues. Even Spielberg had a hand in the final product, which must say something when such a tiny project catches The Master’s eye. If you are interested in the story behind the film, read-up about on it online - it’s worth the time.
Overall, Paranormal Activity is pretty much one giant piece of hype. While we really were impressed with what the director has achieved as a whole, the film itself isn’t particular scary. There’s an atmosphere to it, but unless you find things that go bump in the night to be terrifying, or someone leaving open the manhole above your attic worthy of introducing shit to pants, then you are better off trying to track down some masterpieces of the genre. Don’t waste the price of cinema admission on this film. Wait for the DVD, with any luck the Aussie version will come with the best of the three alternative endings, at least compared to the ending that we all saw in the theatrical version.
The A.D.D. Version:
Think Blair Witch. Think boring and pointless. Targeted at teenage girls and mincer metrosexuals, the big tough guys dragged along by their girlfriends to watch this shite can probably use the time to grab some shuteye.
Random Observations:
See This Film If You Like:
The YouSeenThat.Com Popcorn Rating:
Shite, but props for just getting it out there and making some serious dosh. It must scare someone.
How does the YouSeenThat.Com Popcorn Rating work?
Well, it works on the theory that the more you enjoy a film, the less likely you are to be aimlessly shoving salty corn kernels into your gob, and a little more focused on what is happening in front of you on the big screen. Therefore, the more popcorn in our scorers bucket, the better the film. Pretty simple, huh?. Think of it as an inverse scoring system.